August 2006

August 2006

THE THEORY of PICKET FENCE PARENTING

We parents understand all too well these two important parts of our parenting responsibilities:
1) Keep our children safe while they're in our care and
2) Help our children develop a core value system that will continue to keep them safe long after they've left home.
As you and I already know, this is not easy!

What's out there is scary!
Preventing your younger child from hearing those swear words you don't use at home, or seeing violence on a TV/video screen somewhere, or your older child from observing a "playmate" cheat and get away with it, or discovering that the kid who always seems to have money in his pocket, is selling dope is virtually impossible. What are we, you and I, as conscientious parents supposed to do to protect our children from that kind of stuff, so available in today's world?

Well, I had a mini revelation years ago about how to do this that I'd like to share with you. I call it "Picket Fence Parenting"

Can you imagine this?
You and your child are in the front yard of your home. You are sitting on the porch, or maybe playing catch in the yard, or pushing a swing. You are relaxed; you are having a good time. Around your yard is a white picket fence, with a closed gate. Can you see it in your mind's eye? Do you also notice you can see the street, and people and life happening outside the fence, but you are safe in your yard. Take a moment to explore that image...

When you (or more likely, your bright-eyed child) sees or hears something happening out there on the street, he's either going to ask you about it, or file it away as something to try later. It might be a swear word, or maybe someone kicked their dog, or hit their child; maybe it's an X-rated magazine floating by, or someone smoking - it doesn't matter what it is, the two of you will have seen it. Now is your chance to talk about it. In this very special unthreatening moment you will have the chance to tell your child why you either value or disapprove of the things you've both just witnessed. Your child, still virtually safe in your yard will learn what you believe about what you see in the world.

Now imagine this next
The house and yard in which the children are playing and swinging are surrounded by a very tall, solid fence which keeps out most of the sights and sounds of the world going by. It feels kind of like a cocoon. Can you imagine this too?

Within this yard, the parent and child can talk, just as before. There are fewer distractions and a lot less noise. In this yard too the parent and child can talk about life. The parent can express their opinions and share their value system. However, it's a fairly one-sided conversation, (known much later as the dreaded lecture) because for the most part the child hasn't seen enough to know there is another point of view to the discussion. More troubling, since they've no reference point for the discussion, they're not even sure why the parent is trying to talk to them. Are THEY in some kind of trouble? Better to agree with whatever is said. It's much safer for sure!

Back to your real life today...
Eventually, no matter what kind of protective parental fencing we erect, our children head out through the now opened gate… into the world…. NOW, these beloved children of yours see what they didn't see before, and they learn that other people honestly do things SO differently than those adults they've left behind.

Many people seem just as smart, just as successful in the world – maybe even more so. And, when asked "Why they behave as they do?" by your still curious, bright eyed child, these adults or peers give what seem to be perfectly acceptable explanations for their actions! It's a lot to take in all at once. Worse still, by this time your child is in all-day school, or at camp, or in someone's home for a sleepover, or in college miles away. They are literally out of the range of your voice, let alone the safety of your family fencing, whatever kind you erected. Now you cannot see what your child is seeing, so not only can you no longer protect your beloved child, you can't contribute your perspective….

So why start now with all this?
Of course your children might come home, could walk back through that gate in your fence to plop down on the porch to talk about it with you... that could happen. But, chances are, that will happen ONLY if these kinds of conversations are already a natural part of your parent-child communication pattern, well established and well practiced!

Challenging us parents, us "big people" with all our verbal tools and practiced answers, about our beliefs and values is always a risky thing for anyone to do. That is why the old adage "never talk about politics or religion" was coined. People go to WAR over stuff like that! For a child to be brave enough to debate is to invite BIG trouble, whether they are still at home, or just home for a visit. More then once while raising our children my husband and I were truthfully both amazed and appalled at the nerve of our children to question us... However, these most often non-threatening, back and forth, equally weighted discussions about what's out there, and why we believe what we do, became a part of our family life.

The results are in for us
Our children are grown-ups with children of their own now. Can you image our joy and delight to look up again and again as the gate through that picket fence swings open and our "babies," (bringing their own babies) return to the yard? They plop down on the porch, or play ball with their own children. And we talk. From the safety of our yard, they continue to comment on what they see and experience out there, beyond that picket fence, and incredibly, they still ask for our opinions! Life does not get better then that!

LOOKING IN THE SAME DIRECTION
There is nothing more supportive between one human being and another, then to stand shoulder to shoulder, looking out in the same direction and say "Yes, I can see what you are talking about; from this perspective, I can see what you mean." To do this does not mean you must agree with them, or even accept what they see or believe. It simply acknowledges that you too can see and understand their point of view, even if it is not yours. Many times when the teens in my life complained, either that I did not listen, or that I did not understand the situation, it simply was not so. I did understand. However, since I had not seemed to them to be looking at the issue from their perspective, they could not accept that I understood. When I asked for one more chance to try to understand, and remembered to say in words that I was seeing it from their point of view and was "looking out in the same direction" they then realized that I did understand at least in part. Nothing else had to change, except my response. And that often helped to diffuse a confrontational moment into a compassionate one. You may be able to try this little shift in your approach when dealing with someone who is struggling to feel heard and understood. Let me know how it works for you!

IS PARENT COACHING FOR YOU?
If you could use another parent who's "been there, done that" AND is still alive to talk about how to get through it, I would be honored to walk shoulder to shoulder beside you and work together. We can talk about your family's strengths, and make a plan to use those strengths to forge a future that fulfills your family's goals and aspirations.

ABOUT COACH LEE
I am an Army wife of 30 years, the mother of grown children with children, a retired Army Child Development Services Specialist and a life long learner who has a joyous love for the sacred souls we call our children. I am a graduate of the Parent Coach Institute - an intensive, year long Masters level course, throughout Seattle Pacific University and the only one of it's kind in the nation. For more information about me, about PCI Certified Parent Coaches, and about scheduling our first complimentary call, please visit www.picketfenceparenting.com or email me at coachlee@picketfenceparenting.com

SHARING THIS NEWSLETTER
If you know of another parent, family member or friend who would enjoy reading this newsletter, please fill out the form below and submit.

Add Me To Your Mailing List...Please!

Name:

Email:

Comments:

Copyright 2006,
Picket Fence Parenting
Lee Gentemann
All rights reserved. The contents of the Picket Fence Parenting newsletter may be forwarded in full without special permission provided it is used for nonprofit purposes and full attribution and copyright notice are given. For other purposes please contact Lee Gentemann