If the intention of your child is to get your attention, and by climbing on the sofa, or the kitchen counter, you then: a) stop whatever you are doing and; b) focus on that child, that would be called "successful" behavior. I know you didn't like their action, but it worked. There was no "miss" about that behavior. It was actually a bull's eye! Better still (for the child at least) because it was successful, the child is bound to use that solution again. Why figure an alternative behavior when this one gets the job done?! Once again, if the child's underlying problem/goal/need is to feel valuable to you, the problem is solved when you pay attention to them. If that "misbehavior"  worked better to get your attention then playing quietly (acceptable behavior by your standards) that success-driven behavior is what you will get again and again, and yet again. But there are other possibilities here.

In the above example, if your child who was climbing on the sofa has been inside all day, exercise (to move, to climb) may be the solution to an overwhelming physical need. If you've been on the phone and seemingly unavailable (remember it's his perception of your availability that counts here) his problem may be solved if he gets your validating attention by climbing. If the toy she's trying to get is just out of reach she may be climbing to try to get it and in doing so solve her own problem -still another reason to climb. If the parent doesn't uncover the motivation and mistakenly directs the child who needs to move, to sit (for whatever reason) the child will be moving again somehow, soon. If the child who needs focused attention from the parent is sent outside alone, to move and climb, that child too will be back getting attention somehow. In both cases the child's problem isn't solved by the parental solution. Notice too  that the parent's problem is not solved either. The child will do again what worked for him the first time!

Try looking at behavior this way: What problem is this behavior a solution for? or "What does my child believe he needs?" (We'll talk about needs vs wants in a minute.) During, or right after a "misbehavior," your job is about helping your child discover better solutions/choices as much as it is about consequences and punishment. Your focus on the child's intended goal is as important as your attention to the offending behaviors. This is the moment to help your child find better choices. You are the experienced adult here. You have a greater repertoire of possibilities; Together you can work to discover methods that will get your child's problem solved, yours too, as you see more acceptable behaviors from your child more quickly and more consistently. 

This is NOT About Spoiling or Allowing Bad Behavior

There are volumes written about what exactly human beings need and when they need it. I have four basic thoughts:

1. There is a difference between needs and wants; one is crucial, one is optional. Does your life style offer tangible proof that YOU know the difference? Can you also accept that the definition of what is crucial and what is optional differs between many of us, regardless of age? Talk with your children about this, setting an example with your priorities, as best you can. Allow them to see you live this - the highs, the lows, the lessons along the way. I cannot help you much here. Well after age 50, both my husband and I have filled six acres of farm, barn, house, shed and shop with too much optional stuff we're just positive we need!   

2. Part of growing up is learning to get needs met (no matter how defined) in acceptable ways. This developing skill takes time, takes practice, and requires patience from those in the "fall-out zones." Twos will have tantrums; fours will be whining; teens will be sulking or yelling; I'll bet you even know an adult or two who sneaks purchases into the home hoping no one notices. . . See, growing up still isn't easy, even for grown-ups!  Mistakes will be made! Parents must focus less on the mistakes being made, and more on discovering the intent, then brainstorming better choices, and finally setting up other chances to try again! Remember, people go to jail because they never mastered this skill.  It is worth the work for everyone involved. 

3. Any child under seven months of age gets 99% of what they want, because for them, and only them, wants and needs are still the same thing. What they ask for, most anytime, most any place, is what they need. Spoiling, by almost any definition, is not an issue.

4. Everyone else plays by this rule: The methods any age human uses to get their needs met may be subject to comments, constructive criticism, corrections, congratulations, etc. etc. The fact that anyone HAS those basic human needs is not.

In other words, you may criticize and correct the whining, the temper tantrums, the arguing, the silent treatment, the jumping on the couch, etc. etc. as not acceptable ways to get the problems solved. You may NOT criticize your child's need (their belief they really do have a problem to solve) or the emotion surrounding their problem. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard demeaning remarks like "Well that's a silly thing to cry over" or "You shouldn't let that bother you" or "Why would you care about something like that?" Those are deflating, discouraging remarks which leave a person of any age feeling alone and unsupported.

Take just a moment to remember a recent time someone laughed at you, made light of an issue in your life or criticized your feelings about something. . . Do you remember just how miserable, or angry you felt? Thinking back on that situation, were you then still open and receptive to their comments, or did you just shut down, and shut them out? If you respond towards your children as others did TO you, you will get FROM your children the same responses you gave to others back then - shut down and shut out. Not only is this bad for the relationship, but YOU don't get your problems with their behaviors resolved satisfactorily either.  No one wins!

Perhaps This Is Already Obvious

One last point. Any child who risks being in trouble again and again is looking for a solution to something that's not right in their life. The need driving that search is powerful. Getting in trouble is a small price to pay, if the desperate need, whatever it is, is getting even partially met. The child's actions may be a conscious decision ("I want you to pay attention to me and I know what to do to get that attention") or they may be unplanned acts driven by deeper undefined needs ("Something is wrong with me; I'm out of balance and I have to do something, anything"). Whatever the situation, the behavior you see is the child's attempt to get a solution to a serious problem. There is no "miss" to their behavior. For everyone's well being, look beyond the child, beneath the behavior, to the problem. If you need professional help ask for it. The better you get at this discovery skill, the greater chance you have to permanently replace those misdirected behaviors with those you do want! 

           NEEDS ARE AGELESS
In the picture above my grandson is wearing his father's work gloves. He is absolutely SURE he needs them. When I garden I am absolutely sure I need gloves TOO! Will's reasons have to do with wanting to be like his Daddy. My reasons are more complicated, but suffice to say I'm saving my nails from terminal ugly! The strength of my feelings about this are no greater than his. Nor are my needs anymore valid than his.

The differences are:
1) I can wait longer to meet any needs I have.
2) My known options for getting my needs met (to keep my nails intact) are almost unlimited, especially when compared to that youngster's repertoire.

If I can't find gloves I go buy more or take my husband's. I can do both by myself. I can do one now and one later. But I don't go without gloves at the moment I need them.

By himself, Will's options to get his needs met (to be as much like his Daddy as he can) must exist right now, in this minute in his life because that is THE only time he knows. His options are also limited to WHAT he knows to do to make his point:
a) to pitch a tantrum for possession of the gloves if the rest of us don't understand just how important the gloves are to him;
b) to try to run away with the gloves if someone wants to take them from him;
c) do both simultaneously if that is necessary.
For him to be without his gloves is as hard on him as it would be on me to be without mine.

Will doesn't want to go without gloves. Neither do I. We are both entitled to our opinions. Believing as we do we both act on our needs in whatever ways we know work best.
 
My husband can request that I use my own gloves. Will's parents can request that he ask for possession in a more acceptable way as well. Both of our solutions obviously need some tweaking. However, no one gets to tell either of us, that what is important to either of us is silly, or immature, or that our actions (solutions) are unwarranted.

Neither age or body size plays a part in the strength of our feelings nor the respect we are owed.

      PARENT COACHING
Have questions or comments about these articles or about issues in your parenting life? Supporting parents and helping children is my passion in life. I'd love to hear from you. My coaching begins with building a relationship between the two of us during which I learn about your family's dynamics and strengths while you learn about my strengths and abilities. From that position of shared strength we'll tackle your issues and create the future that fulfills your family's goals and aspirations.

         ABOUT COACH LEE
I am an Army wife of 30 years, the mother of grown children with children, a retired Child Development Specialist, and a believer in life long education, with a passion for the sacred souls we call our children. I am a graduate of the Parent Coach Institute - an intensive year long Masters level course, through Seattle Pacific University and the only one of it's kind in the nation. For more information about me, about PCI Certified Parent Coaches or about scheduling our first complimentary calls please visit www.picketfenceparenting.com
or email me at
coachlee@picketfenceparenting.com

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