Dumb Is In The Eyes Of The Beholder...

Much of what we adults do in life has a purpose that would at least be understandable, if not acceptable, to others were our motives as obvious as our actions - like my short cut because I was late. It is no different for children. The things children do make perfect sense to them, and given their ages and stages, their perspectives, and the choices they have available to them they don't do dumb things on purpose any more then adults do. A two year old who is hot and begins to take off his clothes is solving a problem himself. It's the only choice he has, given what he knows and what he can do. It is his only available option. He can't reach the window to open it; he is not allowed to touch the fan; and he can't go outside. He's self motivated and problem solving - all the qualities you'd like to see in your child. What's not to celebrate about that?

The challenge for parents who want to see behaviors other then the ones their children display, is to figure out the underlying motivation (or unmet need) for those behaviors.  Once that is understood the parent can model or teach other more acceptable options to meet those needs. For the child who has a need, (physical, social, psychological, emotional, spiritual, or any other driving, unrelenting force which is propelling them forward), their own actions make perfect sense  In my own case, I wanted to be on time, get organized, look competent, and be well thought of. Those needs drove my attempt to take a short cut... It made perfect sense to me.  I expect you have the same needs sometimes too. Nothing dumb there for either of us! 

Respect Ought To Be Ageless...

The two year old stripping down because he was too hot doesn't need, nor deserve a big "No!"  He deserves, as another (albeit short) human being, to have someone take the time to step into his shoes, and take his point seriously, just like you did with me. He needs to be helped to cool off. Does that mean taking off shoes and socks because YOU know that is the fastest way to cool down?. Does he need to peel off one of two or three layers? Does he need to go outside, or a piece of ice to rub on his face and arms? All those would help him. All those convey the same message you'd give me about my story. "I understand what you were attempting to do; I can see how this made sense to you, even if  I'd have done something else."  

Use What You Already Know...

You know your children pretty well I'd guess. You often predict their behaviors. You know what they are going to say; sometimes even sensing what they are thinking.  So when some odd behavior pops up, or your children seems to be doing "dumb stuff", it's time for a second, uncritical, respectful look. Like my trip across the field, it may make sense, perfect sense to them. See that for what it is. If they also sense your respect for their needs they most often will let you help. So do. Help them tweak their methods, but don't criticize the need that drove them. No matter how it looks to you, your child's actions will make sense because no one does dumb stuff on purpose. 

TEENS-AN EXCEPTION

The "Nobody does dumb stuff on purpose" rule does not apply to teenagers. Mostly this is not their fault. Brain research over the last ten years has made some startling revelations. Teenage brains are not fully developed until the early 20's. These undeveloped sections cannot always send good messages out, nor are they completely equipped to receive messages from other parts of the brain. This creates a few  problems. 

PICTURE THIS:
Imagine a city with buildings going up that aren't complete. Wouldn't it be hard to function in your office, if the crane is still overhead putting the next floor of the building up, very few employees have been hired, and there is spotty communications between the rest? Then, across town (across the brain), the other buildings are in the same incomplete state. Communication is inconsistent at best, non existent at worst. . . Who knows what's happening or why it's happening, let alone what to do about it! 

THE RESULTS:
Dumb stuff happens without an underlying need or motivation. The frustrated parents ask "Why?" as they try earnestly to understand. The teen, knowing full well this was NOT their best moment replies, "I just don't know." It's hard for our fully finished and wired adult brains to understand for sure, but it's the truth. Dumb stuff just happens.

PARENT COACHING
If you could use support in your efforts to do your best parenting, call me. We'll start by building a trustable relationship. You'll learn about me and I'll learn about your family's special strengths. From that position of strength, we can tackle any issues with shared expertise, humor and insight, to forge a future that fulfills your family's goals and aspirations.

ABOUT COACH LEE
I am an Army wife of 30 years, the mother of grown children with children, a retired Child Development Services Specialist and a perpetual student. I am a graduate of the Parent Coach Institute - an intensive year long Masters level course accredited through Seattle Pacific University. PCI is the only one of it's kind in the nation. For more information about me, about PCI Certified Parent Coaches, and about scheduling a first complimentary call, please visit www.picketfenceparenting.com or email me at coachlee@picketfenceparenting.com.