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Coach Lee IS
PCI Certified Parent Coach
go to
www.thepci.com
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Coach Lee Contributes 10% of her earning to:
Heifer's Gifts Means Hope For the Future
"Giving to Heifer means giving someone a
permanent victory over hunger, poverty and environmental degradation." |
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September
2006
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A SKILL FOR SCHOOL AND LIFE
When our son was in the second grade, his teacher,
(whose son I taught) came to talk to me. She was both
worried and apologetic. Because she did not have
the classroom materials or the time to devote to
Michor's advanced level of study and work, she was
concerned he would get bored and lose interest both in
school and in the learning process. She felt
partly responsible, but didn't have solutions, and
worried about our son's future. Before I tell you my
reply to her, let me share some thoughts.
I have seen many "bored" children and adults. I'll
bet you know a few too. These people often depend on
others to bring life TO them; on a platter so to
speak. They do not seem to know how to find something
interesting, challenging or worthwhile to do, no
matter their age or location. In my opinion they lack
a skill…not brains, or a work ethic, or motivation.
This skill is a learned, practiced, step by step
process – like riding a bike or swimming or cooking.
Montessori begins by teaching this skill
first
Montessori students as young as two begin learning
this set of tasks before anything traditionally
defined as school work. The children practice over and
over again, in every area of their classroom. It is
THE fundamental building block to every kind of
learning that follows. One of your jobs as a parent
will be to provide many, many opportunities for your
child to practice developing this life skill at home.
Think about riding that bike or swimming … did you get
it on the first try? Your responsibility is to provide
a home and family environment where practice happens
easily, safely and successfully. Begin as Montessori
does, when they are young.
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YOU CAN HELP TEACH YOUR CHILD THIS SKILL
Your Part In All This .
The goal for each child is to develop the ability to
find and do projects that make life an interesting,
exciting experience. The five parts to this life
skill that the child must master are to:
a. Choose something to do
(watch for their areas of interest to be
enthused about)
b. Start it
(brainstorm if they're stuck but DO NOT
lead)
c. Do it
(help minimize distractions –support staying on
task)
e. Complete it
(accept what "finished" looks like to them, unless
it's
outrageous; this changes with age)
f. Clean up afterward.
(help, but follow THEIR lead as an assistant; the
standard is to put parts away or clean up well
enough for someone else to use the same
equipment next time)
Your praise will not be about the
finished project itself. Your praise will be for the
tasks of choosing (and this must be their choice),
starting, working, finishing (defined very
loosely as they begin this process) and cleaning up.
NOTE: Finishing and cleaning up might mean to
stop at a good point and carefully set the project
aside for further work the next time. Building a
longer term project may require several sessions. Be
prepared to save an ongoing project.
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PARENTAL INFLUENCES REALLY COUNT!
Set The Example
Your behaviors, far more then the teachers your child
will have, set the example. Keep the TV off 9/10ths of
the time. You, finding something to do yourself,
rather then be sucked into sitting in front of the TV
is vital. Children will work beside you if you work
and sit beside you if you sit. I have one friend whose
children watch TV/play video games a lot and one
friend whose children don't. Guess whose children get
bored (even in a new place with LOTS to do) and whose
children are busy because they know how to find
something to do?!
Suffer Publicly
Moan around the house about how one of your jobs
or projects "seems too complicated", or "looks too
hard". Let them see you roll up your sleeves and get
started. All projects have drudgery; routine parts,
clean up - especially clean up afterward. Let them
know you're not thrilled with those parts either, but
you do them anyway! Then show them how you do
it. I have said to my children something like
this: "I just start and do 10 things and walk away for
a minute. Then I come back and do 10 more without even
looking around. When I do look then, I'm already
partly done!" I do it with cleaning the kitchen, doing
the wash, or any unglamorous chore… No lectures, just
an example in my real life. Everyone hates doing
something sometimes, even the moms and dads of this
world. The good ones still do it. Let your children
see how hard it is even for the good ones to cope with
doing.
Be Supportive
Stop for a moment here to remember one of your
successful projects – what made you
feel supported – what or who felt like pressure or
took away your pleasure in doing? When someone helped
did you still feel like it was your project,
your success, or did the credit now go to someone
else? Apply that knowledge to your interactions with
your child.
Do be willing to chip in to help on their terms. Do
not lead the process yourself because any planning,
doing, and cleaning will rob them of their
opportunities. It's their turn. Try suggestions, like
"Well could I help by doing_________ or would you have
another idea?" Maybe you could (if you sense your
child is overwhelmed by their own choices, or the job
is bigger then expected) help them find natural
stopping and restarting points. You might could offer
a juice & cookie break, or maybe set the timer for
three minutes and have some sort of physical activity
break.
Remember Good Examples
Stop again for another moment to remember one of those
successful, joyful experiences you saw your child
have. Recognize how the environment (and those people
around them) supported them each time. Remember their
satisfaction – their smiles, their sparkly eyes, and
how you felt while watching them. Talk to them. Remind
them of those past happy successes too, so they get a
"confidence boost" to try again. You know which
memories count; you know your child. Those memories
will also remind you that you know how to support
without either leading or stopping the process. You've
done this quality work before; do it again
intentionally, knowing now how important this is.
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THE CLASSROOM RATIO: ATTENTION IS LIMITED
Your Child In The Classroom
If you picture your child in their classroom this
year, the first thing you'll notice is there is only
one teacher and at least 25 students! Your child will
have to find much of the desire or strength to "do" on
their own, not only this year, but every year! As
effective as any teacher can be – the time needed to
help your child develop this life skill during
classroom hours is at best a hit and miss proposition.
The teacher has your child for one, maybe two years.
You'll have your child forever! Which one of you will
be most affected if your child doesn't learn this
skill? And which one of you is more motivated to see
your child master this skill? This brings me back
around to the start of this article and to my reply to
my son's teacher.
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BACK TO MY CONVERSATION WITH THE TEACHER
First, I thanked her for caring enough to worry
about my son, and asked her forgiveness in advance for
what I was about to say.
Then I told her I would never trust a permanent
outcome of any kind, for my child, to one person, even
a wonderful, well intended teacher, like she
was. (That was the "forgive me" part - and sure enough
she looked almost offended). So I asked her to
imagine if her teen aged son couldn't read or do math,
and she could trace it back to just one teacher or one
year! Her child's whole life would have been affected
adversely – and hers as well! The teacher wouldn't
have those consequences, as her son would have
been passed to the next year's class. It was the same
situation for me with our son.. Michor's ability to
find quality activities in her classroom – "to not be
challenged or bored", as she'd put it, was not her
responsibility. She was, of course, vitally important
to the process, but the ultimate responsible for
teaching Michor the skills to thrive in her classroom
and the next classroom, and the next, and out into the
rest of the world was mine.
It is the same for you I'd imagine.
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YOUR CUTE CHILD AT WORK
Two year old Ava, pictured above, is serious about her
work. Her father caught one of her moments of
concentration on film. I'm sure she knew he was taking
her picture as she worked. And isn't that a wonderful
validation for her efforts? Her Dad thinks this is so
important that he is taking her picture! He will be
able to show it to her again and again as she grows -
a reminder to her that this behavior is valued in her
family.
Children need to be noticed for their efforts. They
need to know you saw them working hard. Children don't
always recognize those quality moments for the
spectacular building blocks they are. Worse still, as
children get older they seem to belittle the moments
they do recognize that they are trying - as if that is
not good enough. Often the older they get the more
critical they become of their own best efforts. For
them someone else looks smarter, stronger, more
personable, just more able to do. So all children of
all ages need to be noticed when they are working
hard.
Your chance to support your child's efforts depends on
your awareness of the best moments to notice their
activities and validate them. Be aware of their
activities. Small moments in the daily routine of life
count as much as major events. But spotting the small
moments is is not always easy in your busy life! Those
best moments come and go quickly and you already have
a lot going on. Additionally, as your child become a
teen you will also question just how much he/she
values your opinion of them. Research shows that in
spite of the facade teens present (one of not caring
what you think), you are still the most important
measuring stick they use. For you to both see their
best efforts and say so is critical!. Hard as it
is, especially when they respond with an attitude,
this is such a work worth doing.
WHAT YOU FOCUS ON WILL GROW
When you look for flaws you will find them, and then
find more flaws then you knew existed! When you look
for beauty you will find it, and then more beauty then
you could have imagined. If you are looking for
opportunities to celebrate your child's abilities,
strengths and growth ,you will find them, and then
more to admire in them then you have time to
acknowledge.
The tricky part, when you want to spot those "growing
good stuff" moments is two fold: 1) to catch those
moments and 2) to acknowledge them without stepping
into their territory. If you see a concentrated work
effort, be it building block structures, serious
dancing, or a squatted toddler concentrating on a
crawling bug, let them know you so admire that work
ethic.You can also admire a finished project, if there
is one. But, again, most importantly, what you want to
"grow" is your child's desire to try, their
willingness to focus and do, and their determination
to persevere.
It is really hard not to just notice (and smile at, of
course) the balloons on Ava's head as she works. It is
equally hard not to just laugh at the song or dance
your own children perform for themselves, or for you,
if you're lucky enough to see it. Just don't get
sucked into the cuteness. Enjoy it for sure, but see
all that work to be admired. Then say that out
loud....so they can admire their own efforts
through you, in case they can't see what to admire in
themselves. If the camera is handy maybe you too
can take a picture! |
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IS PARENT COACHING FOR YOU?
If you could use another parent who's
"been there, done that" and is still alive to talk
about it, call me. Supporting you as you "parent" your
children would be an honor. Coaching begins with
building a trustable relationship as your learn about
me and I learn about your family's special strengths.
From that position of strength between us, we'll
tackle your issues, and forge a future that fulfills
your family's goals and aspirations. |
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Copyright 2006
Picket Fence Parenting
Lee Gentemann
All rights reserved. The contents of this Picket Fence
Parenting Newsletter may be forwarded in full without
special permission, provided it is used for nonprofit
purposes and full attribution and copy write notice are
given. For other purposes please contact
Lee Gentemann
coachlee@picketfenceparenting.com
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